Today when I got home and went into my room and cried, really cried. Cried for the first time since I got here. Cried because I can't understand anyone, and because they don't understand me no matter what language I'm speaking, because I miss my cats and my mom, I miss my bed, because I miss my stupid pink room, and being able to sleep till 9. I miss being able to communicate with people on a basic level, I miss not living out of a suitcase sitting on the floor that I have to fit my clothes all perfectly back into at the end of the month, not have to carry around a dictionary everywhere I go. I cried because I'm scared as hell, and I'm so mad at myself for doing this. Why the hell did I think I could do this? I have no idea. I have the constant fear that I unknowingly offended someone, or that I got on the wrong bus, or knocked on the wrong door. I cried because I have no idea what day it even is, much less what time it is. I cried because I got what I wanted...something completely foreign. I got my escape and now I want nothing more than to go back home and curl into a ball on my bed.
This is ridiculous. I know I can't wallow in self pity because it's not going to get me anywhere but at the same time how else are you supposed to cope with not understanding a damn thing around you?
--
Red Eyed Alien
This will pass, then well up again, and pass again, and well up again only slightly less intensely. It will last for months, then you will have passed through the eye of the needle. This is the difficult part of the journey. The first time it hits, as in right now, it's the most intense, most depressing, worst feeling of hopelessness. IT WILL PASS! Keep pushing through, have a cry, then get back up again. (Really, what else can you do) It won't be as bad the next time it hits. And it's worth the effort, worth the sadness, worth the journey. You will begin to understand the language, your surroundings will become familiar and comfortable. Without your noticing, you will begin feeling comfortable. Then, one day you wake up after your first dream in German maybe, and you realize you really do understand a lot of what's being said around you, and you can even speak well enough that if you don't know how to say something, you ask in German how to express it. It happens. Really. This is how you learned English, although you probably don't remember. And it's the best way to learn any language, you just feel more frustrated now because your thought are so much more advanced than when you were learning English. Above all, this is normal; all the other students are feeling/will feel this way as well, and you will be able to look back on this time and be glad you stayed the course. We are all here with you in our thoughts, knowing you can and will get through this. I look forward to talking to you in German, provided I find a good place to learn it. Get the tears out, they actually benefit how you feel through a chemical release. And always know that you get up each day, go out into the world and live, always able to look back and see progress; sometimes painstakingly slow progress, sometimes leaps and bounds in progress. You got this far, head and shoulders above others. This is where you really grow and discover yourself and it's a fantastic journey. I'm always hugging you when you need it, even if you don't ask. I remember how you feel and I know, everything was brighter, prettier, nicer when I passed through each bout of sadness. Each day gets better, and then this all becomes normal.Really. However, you have to go to school everyday........unlike others in the past :)
ReplyDeleteHeather! I so wish I could make you feel better! We are all here thinking about you. It will get better. Believe it! Hang in there kiddo!
ReplyDeleteA. Joan
I'm doing much better now :) Thanks Joan!!
DeleteDid you see all my pics? Make sure to check them out! :)
I looked at all of your awesome pics! Your host family's house looks nice! When I stayed with my BF's friend Uli, he had a tiny studio apt with a dormsize frig, but managed to cram a piano into it. He shared a hallway bathroom with other apartments. Interesting!
ReplyDeleteA. Joan
My host family is very nice :)
DeleteOh wow that must have been interesting :o
- H